I will have to reread this multiple times to fully process it, but my first pass.. unfortunately.. reads like a horror story. A familiar familiar horror story.
I had undiagnosed ADHD well into my adult life. It got me fired from two of my dream jobs and condemned me to years of unemployment. My natural state is the opposite of yours. Without something to wake me up, I can sleep for 14+ hours. I can sip a "morning" (4pm) cup of coffee for so long that I have to microwave it twice (Ember mug has been a life saver). During this time, I think I'm trying to be quick and to start my day, but in actuality, it's been 4 hours and I'm still standing in the kitchen. What was I doing? What was I suppose to be doing? Suddenly the day is gone, it's well past 2am somehow, and everybody has gone to sleep. Oh well, I guess I should get ready to go to bed. Tomorrow, I'll be more on top of things. Tomorrow.
Time isn't something I have to freely spend. Time is something I have to chase, capture, and carve out space to keep. I schedule things because I will lose days if I don't. I invent deadlines and projects and pursuits to try to outline the day. I've completely withdrawn from social media so I don't lose the little time I find to doomscrolling. Even then, it passes way too fast and my life seems to slip away.
Again, I'm looking at this from the polar opposite side of the spectrum. It took a lifetime of coping mechanisms and I finally have medication to deal with it. Oh look, it's almost 1am, where did the time go?
Totally opposite experiences with time, but like two sides of the same coin. My experience focuses on retreating from rigidly structured time and yours is on its shapeless, relentless "leakage." I used to feel there was never enough whereas yours feels like it was in so much abundance it threatened to swallow you whole (and maybe sometimes it did). Two different relationships to time, and time itself doesn't care either way. How fascinating.
I will have to reread this multiple times to fully process it, but my first pass.. unfortunately.. reads like a horror story. A familiar familiar horror story.
I had undiagnosed ADHD well into my adult life. It got me fired from two of my dream jobs and condemned me to years of unemployment. My natural state is the opposite of yours. Without something to wake me up, I can sleep for 14+ hours. I can sip a "morning" (4pm) cup of coffee for so long that I have to microwave it twice (Ember mug has been a life saver). During this time, I think I'm trying to be quick and to start my day, but in actuality, it's been 4 hours and I'm still standing in the kitchen. What was I doing? What was I suppose to be doing? Suddenly the day is gone, it's well past 2am somehow, and everybody has gone to sleep. Oh well, I guess I should get ready to go to bed. Tomorrow, I'll be more on top of things. Tomorrow.
Time isn't something I have to freely spend. Time is something I have to chase, capture, and carve out space to keep. I schedule things because I will lose days if I don't. I invent deadlines and projects and pursuits to try to outline the day. I've completely withdrawn from social media so I don't lose the little time I find to doomscrolling. Even then, it passes way too fast and my life seems to slip away.
Again, I'm looking at this from the polar opposite side of the spectrum. It took a lifetime of coping mechanisms and I finally have medication to deal with it. Oh look, it's almost 1am, where did the time go?
Totally opposite experiences with time, but like two sides of the same coin. My experience focuses on retreating from rigidly structured time and yours is on its shapeless, relentless "leakage." I used to feel there was never enough whereas yours feels like it was in so much abundance it threatened to swallow you whole (and maybe sometimes it did). Two different relationships to time, and time itself doesn't care either way. How fascinating.